Category Archives: Embarrassment

Science

I took a trip to Shanghai over my two month Spring Festival vacation. I spent most of my time wandering around the city, admiring architecture and eating at Carl’s Jr. I couldn’t leave without going to at least one tourist trap though, so I went to the Museum of Science and Technology with Andrew. At a glance, the museum seemed like it might actually be home to exhibits and displays related to science and technology but upon closer inspection it was apparent that this museum is scientific in the same way that the Insane Clown Posse’s smash hit “Miracles” is scientific.

The stuff science is made of

Fucking snowmobiles, how do they work?

These are animals that live in snow. This is what they look like. Ecology.

The cold hard facts about global warming

The last caption was a pun. Did you get it? I'm sorry.

What we thought would be a relaxing and informative day at a legitimate museum was quickly turning into a surreal journey to the bottom of the chasm that is Chinese edutainment.

They'll suck the life out of these poor kids in fifteen years.

Children enjoying the interactive white devil exhibit

After roaming the lobby for a bit we made our way upstairs. We entered an enormous dark room, somewhat ironically named “Light of Wisodm.” The room featured a large collection of interactive displays that appeal to the same sensibilities as coin-squashing machines and Chicago’s beloved “Bean,” that uncontrollable, visceral compulsion to mess with shiny things and bright lights. (On an unrelated note, The Bean is probably the single greatest photobombing spot on the planet.) All in all, Light of Wisdom had more to do with science than any of the other exhibits, which is a shame.

It's said that if you stare into the light long enough infinite wisdom will be yours

The object here is to talk to your friend through the metal coil, like a glorified tin can telephone

Intricate science tubes

The light of wisdom

Without a doubt, the most impressive Light of Wisdom display was a looping animation at the end, a sort of finale.

We continued.

The working title was Cradle 2 the Design

The Cradle of Design was home to miniature models of vehicles, fake schematics and horrifying faceless mannequins. Of all the rooms, this is the one we spent the least amount of time in.

The mannequins are meant to accurately represent automotive engineers, who often work naked.

The next leg of the journey took us through a room of exhibits that focused mainly on how badly we’ve screwed up the planet.

When I was nine I knew this kid at sleep away camp who didn't know his address so his parents wrote it down for him to look at when he sent them postcards. Sometimes I wonder if he still doesn't know his address.

There were two notable items in this area.

Ecological Disasters Theater

One was Ecological Disasters Theater. Ecological Disasters Theater. Ecological Disasters Theater. Ecological Disasters Theater.

The other notable item was an unfortunate attempt at virtual reality gaming. Keeping in line with the theme of humans are destroying the planet, the object of the game was to sort anthropomorphic garbage into flying receptacles.

Andrew and I both tried the game. I will not be posting the video of myself playing due to Andrew’s incessant heckling and I will not be posting the video of Andrew playing due to him faring much better than I did. The controls were unresponsive, the graphics failed to achieve the retro look the dev team was clearly going for and there was just no real incentive to make progress. I’m going to have to give this one a 0/10 and claim that the only video game worth playing ever to be released was Snowboard Kids for the Nintendo 64.

The third floor of the museum was a lot like a low-budget amusement park. We followed a huge hallway from ride to ride. Some of them were definitely astronaut-themed. The best one was a spinning contraption in which you sit across from a friend in a yellow ball turret. You both have targets nearby and fire at those targets, acting as a centripetal force and accelerating the platform you’re both connected on. The staff didn’t actually tell us how it worked, opting instead to stare at us hesitantly and let us figure it out for ourselves. There was no line so we spent about ten minutes shooting at each other and spinning in a circle.

Further down there was an archery range. Here, the object was to shoot a bow and arrow at an array of targets shaped like robots. Again, there was no line but the staff member in charge refused to let us shoot more than four arrows each.

Finally, in the last room, there was an astronaut-themed ride carefully supervised by a staff member. I think space camp is probably a lot like this ride except instead of doing it one time for a minute, you do it thousands of times and it costs thousands of dollars.

If I ever got the chance to go back to Shanghai, I would go back to the Museum of Science and Technology in a heartbeat.

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Samuel

There’s a Chinese named Samuel who teaches English at JIACE. I first spoke to Samuel in a room with a couch that I like to take naps on. The fact that my first encounter with him happened when I would’ve rather been sleeping kind of set the tone for most of our future meetings. Samuel was assigned the duty of hosting an English competition, which was taking place that day. The winner of the competition would go on to compete in another competition against students from other schools in the city.

Samuel occasionally asked me to weigh in on some things that were bothering him, like the color scheme of his one-slide Powerpoint presentation, pronunciation of certain words and what kind of things I would say if I was hosting such an event. At one point, I left to go to the bathroom. As I was finishing up, I saw Samuel standing by the door. He looked like a child lost at the zoo. He asked me if I thought his outfit was okay. I said it looked fine. He was wearing a pretty standard suit and button-down shirt combo.

“It’s wet,” he said.

“It looks okay,” I replied.

“What should I do?”

“I honestly think it looks fine, don’t worry about it.”

Samuel stared at me as I left. I like to imagine he spent the next few minutes gazing at his blurred reflection in the wall tiles, since there are no mirrors in JIACE bathrooms, pondering his misfortune. I didn’t get to see how Samuel fared at the competition but both Andrew and Nick were judges. From what Nick told me, it seems like his nerves got the better of him; his introductory speech ended abruptly and awkwardly but nobody really seemed to notice or care and from that point on the event moved forward without a hitch.

I began to see a lot more of Samuel after that. He started coming to the bus stop almost every morning. Out of curiosity, I asked why I hadn’t seen him there for the first month of the semester. He stated quite bluntly that even though it was less convenient for him to wait for the bus at our stop, he wanted to take the opportunity to talk with us foreigners to improve his English. That seemed reasonable enough.

One morning as Andrew, Nick, Wayne and I were having a conversation, Samuel arrived and did this thing he likes to do where he opens his arms wide and pats the two people closest to him firmly on the shoulder. I’m almost certain he learned this maneuver from a sitcom. Without wasting any time, Samuel pulled out a textbook and engaged Andrew in conversation. Their conversation lasted the entire twenty minute bus ride.

Upon our arrival, Samuel thanked Andrew for his assistance. He said it was “necessary” that Andrew help him. As we walked toward the classroom building, Andrew mentioned that apparently, Samuel had no class that day and took the bus to school for the sole purpose of asking him for help. I thought that was kind of weird.

The following Friday I saw Samuel in the couch room. He asked me for some help with a “lost and found” lesson plan, namely how one would go about finding teaching materials for such a lesson plan online. I suggested googling “lost and found esl,” which comes up with a handful of pertinent results. I thought that would be the end of it but Samuel summoned me to his computer about an hour later.

Samuel explained that he couldn’t find anything suitable. I glanced at the monitor, which displayed what seemed to be a perfectly good lost and found dialogue.

“This seems to be a perfectly good lost and found dialogue,” I said.

Samuel shook his head. He wanted to find a video; text wasn’t good enough. I told him I haven’t shown a single video in my classes since the classrooms I teach in are equipped with no more than a blackboard and chalk. He was shocked. I tried to convince him that text would be fine but he still seemed hesitant. He didn’t think it was a good conversation because the object in question was a key and they didn’t describe it well. I read the conversation again. They described the shit out of that key.

“They do not mention color,” Samuel explained. “Maybe you can look for me?”

He rolled his chair away from the desk. To make room for me. So I could use google.com for him.

I assessed his request and decided that this was not a language problem so much as a severe incompetence problem and told him he was on his own.

Andrew finished class the same time as me. When I told him about my run-in with Samuel he looked at me in disbelief. “Lost and found” was the exact same topic that Samuel had approached Andrew for help with a week prior. I wondered what it was exactly that went on in Samuel’s classes that week besides uncomfortable silence, trembling and stuttering for an hour and a half.

In the midst of our discussion, Samuel’s head popped into view as he got on the bus. He waved to us but instead of making his way over and sitting across the aisle as I feared he would, he sat a few rows ahead of us. I felt a short-lived sense of relief until he got up and approached us after setting his bag down.

“When I make the poster for the lost item, is it important that I include the time?” he inquired.

I thought about that for a second.

“You mean the last time you saw the lost item?”

“No,” he replied, “the time that I put up the poster.”

This was not a language problem.

“No.”

My next real conversation with Samuel also took place on the bus. This time he was looking for teaching advice in general. I made sure he knew I only had about four months of teaching experience under my belt. He asked me to give him advice anyway, so I did.

I come up with a one-word theme for my lesson and make a list, about a paragraph in length, of vocabulary words generated by word-association. The planning process takes about three to five minutes. I try to spend as long as possible on each word in class, teaching related words that come to mind on the spot and telling stories or going on tangents.

He didn’t express any sort of interest in the effectiveness of my lessons. He merely asked if the students laugh at my stories. I made the mistake of saying that they do sometimes, which led Samuel to essentially ask me how to connect with other human beings on a basic level. It occurred to me that I’d never actually heard Samuel attempt to make a humorous comment or laugh at anything. I told him to tell stories about his grandfather because most people have or once had grandfathers and grandfathers generally do funny things.

He responded by reminiscing about his grandfather in a Morgan Freeman voice-over styled narrative. His grandfather recently passed away and he talked about how sad that made him feel. He talked about what a kind man his grandfather was and how he often made Samuel laugh when he was a child. This was not a language problem.

For the rest of the fall semester, I managed to avoid long, confusing and depressing conversations with Samuel. I saw him for the first time since vacation last week in the couch room. He sat down next to me. I asked him how his vacation was. He said it was good but didn’t really elaborate. We sat in silence for a bit.

“So what are some of your hobbies?” he asked.

I reminded myself that I’ve known Samuel for about half a year before responding. I told him about my experience diving at the YMCA, which I explained stands for the Young Men’s Christian Association.

“Are you Christian?” he asked.

“No, but everyone’s allowed to go.” I replied.

I went on, bringing up NAMBLA, which I explained stands for the North American Man/Boy Love Association, whose pools are better than those at the YMCAs, so I would go there whenever I could but they weren’t in as widespread as YMCA.

“Oh, so it’s another association,” observed Samuel.

I went on to relate my experience as an amateur cartographer, drawing maps that highlight my favorite places of interest in my city of residence. Restaurants, friends’ apartments, scenic spots and anything else that catches my eye are all fair game to be marked down on a piece of paper in a spatially realistic manner.

Samuel asked if I like Friends. I love Friends, of course. I made sure he understood that I don’t love it just because it’s a hilarious laugh riot but also because I like to pretend that the characters in the show are my actual friends and the episodes are wonderful memories that we shared together and I can just revisit them any time by popping in a DVD. I recommended Sex and the City, which is like Friends but even better because with Friends I only have three friends that are girls but when I watch Sex and the City I have four friends that are girls.

Samuel asked what my plans are for the near future. I admitted that I’m seriously considering pursuing a career in freelance cartography and Beijing has a pretty good scene for it, so I’d probably head over there in the near future. I offered to teach him some cartography techniques some time, which seemed to interest him.

I think this was the best conversation I ever had with Samuel. Earlier tonight I drew Samuel a personalized map that I plan to give him the next time we meet.

Merriment

5/27/11 – Some of the pictures and all of the videos on this post are fucked up beyond the point that I’m willing to exert the energy to figure out how to fix them, so if you want to read this post read it here where it’s nice and tidy:  http://firsterplance.blogspot.com/2011/01/merriment.html

If you happen to wander around one of Changchun’s Ou Ya supermarkets in late December, don’t panic. What you hear is merely a cover of “We Wish You a Merry Christmas,” only the vocals have been slowed down about 400% while the musical accompaniment plays at normal speed. The song will be played on loop and you’ll wonder why no one else seems to notice the frightening cacophony that’s raping your ears.

Andrew told me his department was going to have a party on Christmas Day. Peter, the department head, asked if we would perform a few Christmas songs. Peter was thoughtful enough to give us almost three months’ notice. Forgetting, as I often do, that plans made more than a week in advance eventually happen, I agreed to participate. I made use of the ample preparation time Peter afforded us by occasionally saying things to Andrew like “dude, it would be so funny if we did an acoustic version of Total Eclipse of the Heart,” or “dude, it would be so awesome if we did an acoustic Cannibal Corpse set.” With about a week to go before the Christmas party, we decided to get serious. We settled on the alleged Christmas classic “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer,” with “Necropedophile” as a close runner-up.

The Department of Foreign Affairs and Cooperation was also going to hold a Christmas party. Theirs would be on Christmas Eve. Summer asked us, in a manner that seemed more informative than inquisitive, to perform. She was thoughtless enough to give us about three days’ notice. I convinced Andrew it would be a really good idea to perform “Oh, Hanukah” and see if anyone says something. Although we didn’t begin to prepare for either party until the last minute, we thought it only proper to devote far less time and energy toward Summer’s, which really shone through in our performance.

You may associate the Christmas classic “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town” with fond childhood memories, or perhaps the general warmth and comfort of Christmastime. If you wish to retain such associations, stay away from Changchun’s “Rottibun” any time between November and January. At this otherwise pleasant coffee shop, you will be subjected to a Christmas mix CD that includes a rendition of “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town” as performed by either a Chinese woman approximately 20-35 years of age or an infant, trapped under the wheel of a truck, wailing with agony in its final moments. Unless that sound appeals to you.

My last two classes for the semester fell on Christmas Eve. I had originally intended to take half of the week off, explaining to my students that I would be celebrating Christmas for five days. This made perfect sense to them even though I told them several times throughout the semester that I, as a Jew, don’t celebrate Christmas. Although my failure to convince them that Christmas is not an “American festival” ended up working to my advantage, it seemed I’d soon be presented with a better option.

Lily, Dean of the English department, neglected to inform me that the students would have January 3rd off for New Year’s, the day I was planning on holding our film final. This bumped her “letting me know about vacations and days off” track record from 0 for 3 to 0 for 4. I came to the logical conclusion that she gave absolutely no shit about me or my classes and I was free to end the semester whenever I wanted. So my last two classes for the semester fell on Christmas Eve.

One of the students in my last class asked me if I could simply tell everyone their grades instead of first making them talk to me for five minutes. I thought she presented a pretty airtight case and agreed. I learned while giving a girl named Magician her grade that they wanted to leave as early as possible to throw a birthday party for Nature, another girl in the class. Magician invited me to come have dinner with them and then go to KTV (generic term for karaoke bars). I told her my presence at a Christmas party was required so the school’s administrators could pretend they have a functioning relationship with the foreigners. She insisted I call when the party ended so I took her number. The prospect of seeing my students outside a classroom environment — possibly drunk, definitely singing — intrigued me.

Class ended about an hour early. A few students stayed in the classroom. For four years they have every class with the same people in the same room every day, so it only seems reasonable that they decorate it and make it something of their own during those four years. Most of the students stayed at their desks and opened up books. A girl named Dola, who has a tendency to ask random but amusing questions in rapid succession, began interrogating me. At first she stuck mostly to topics like how to improve English and Spring Festival plans but eventually it seemed like something was troubling her.

Dola thought she may have unintentionally offended a foreigner friend. She asked me if Americans consider it rude to arrive at a party too early. In this case, too early was fifteen minutes. Upon arriving, Dola called her friend, who then scolded Dola. Dola expressed concern that she may have effectively ended their friendship. Then it came out that her friend was a Christian missionary of sorts and the party wasn’t so much a party as a forum for her to aggressively promulgate the virtues of her religion on others.

Dola isn’t the first student who has approached me about a foreigner friend’s confusing behavior. A freshman named Eric asked me if he should continue paying fifty yuan a week to go to a party where an elderly couple criticize his way of life and explain bible passages to him. A local shopkeeper named Jack asked me if I, like his old friend Sean, work for God and also believe that anyone who doesn’t will be denied entry into Heaven. I don’t think the problem is Christianity itself so much as a number of self-assured jackasses who use the institution as a moralistic crutch to validate their righteousness and claim superiority over anyone who deviates from their way of life. The problem affects me directly when I live in a city full of those who deviate from that way of life, have no reason to adapt that way of life and wonder if the self-assured jackasses are representative of all Westerners.

I didn’t present this perspective to Dola but I did try to stress how unusual I thought her friend’s behavior was. She seemed relieved and we then talked about conversations between foreigners and Chinese, which was pretty meta. Since she opened up and presented me with one of her foreigner-related grievances, I thought it only fair to present her with one of my China-related grievances. I mentioned that most Chinese didn’t really seem to have any interest in talking to me beyond learning my ethnicity, job and opinion on the weather or local cuisine. In turn, I’d become somewhat less motivated to continue studying Chinese. She suggested that some people might be afraid they won’t have anything in common with foreigners so instead of risking potential embarrassment, stick to small talk. She included herself in that category of “some people.” I told her to bring up a hobby or interest at random the next time she meets a new foreigner and see what happens, which she agreed to try.

I got up to leave for the Christmas party and Dola offered to guide me to the classroom. Accepting the fact that I will never be able to convince any of my students that I have the slightest navigational prowess, I accepted her offer and invited her to come to the party. Although she initially declined, she changed her mind when I talked about the weird museum exhibit treatment I was expecting to receive based on my experience at the cocktail party earlier in the semester. She refused to believe that I was going to be swarmed by hordes of students, all of them shouting questions over each other, offering me drinks and taking pictures with me. As we approached the room Black Stallion, perched outside the door, spotted me and came running over. “Let’s go, let’s go!” He led me inside. For whatever reason, people were worried that I was late. I turned to Dola and said “here it comes,” confident that my predictions for the evening were correct. Not so.

“Jingle Bells,” known to some as “Ding Ding Dang,” is without a doubt one of the most widely-recorded songs of all time. I know what you’re thinking. Is there any way I can listen to every known recording of the song at the same time? The Walmart on Lin He Jie is well-equipped to handle the task. As you walk down the halls of the mammoth establishment, you’ll experience sensory overload to a moderately disorienting effect. As jazz ensembles blend with children’s choruses and string quartets, you’ll wonder why you didn’t spend upward of $1,000 for a flight to China just to get in on the Changchun Walmart Christmas fun earlier. Five out of five, would try again.

The first thing I noticed when I entered the designated party parlour was that everyone was sitting. Furthermore, they were sitting in silence. Only one person was making any noise at all and that person was standing behind a podium, speaking into a microphone. Black Stallion led me around the perimeter of the room and showed me to a seat at the end of a long table where Andrew, Wayne and people who looked a lot more important than us were sitting. We all had name placards. Baskets of fruit had been placed between every other person. I looked around but couldn’t find Dola. I assumed she wisely made an escape. The room was decorated with pink and purple balloons, presumably in the spirit of Christmas. Some pink balloons had been arranged into the shape of a heart, also presumably in the spirit of Christmas.

The woman speaking was Sophie, head of the Department of Foreign Affairs and Cooperation. I’ve never heard a kind word spoken about her. From personal experience I know that she refuses to learn or speak English despite being in charge of the well-being of the foreigners at the school, benefits greatly from spending as little money as possible on us and talks about me in Chinese to other people while I’m standing right in front of her.

Once Sophie concluded her speech, Allen got up to deliver a few inspired words. Summer, who had been sitting next to Wayne, noticed that I had no access to the peanut and sunflower seed tray so she came over and dumped gratuitous amounts of each in front of me. She then did the same for Andrew before returning to her seat. Andrew made a funny comment about birds. Chinese people devour sunflower seeds. My students bring enormous bags of them to my film class and litter their desks and the floor with shells. They open them in seconds with their front teeth using a method I have not yet begun to comprehend, let alone master. I stuck to the peanuts. Allen’s mouth stopped moving and some real punk rock types took the stage.
Haha, Allen what are you still doing up there, you’re done bro.

But we forgot to do this thing!
Wait till you see what the flannel shirt guy does later

Then that was over with and the new wave/dark ambient/progressive players took the stage once more. Members of the crowd immediately started talking amongst themselves.


Cannibal Corpse’s Tomb of the Mutilated is hailed by death metal fans as one of the band’s greatest efforts and one of the genre’s quintessential albums. Play your loved ones track after crushing track of unrelenting brutal death metal and make this Christmas celebration one they won’t soon forget! They’ll get the chilling lyrics to songs like “Necropedophile” and “Addicted to Vaginal Skin” stuck in their head! Forever.

The guitar work on the album conveys a sense of frenzy and mayhem. The ultra fast riffs never get old. Before you can even faimliarize yourself with one, another is thrown in your face. The album’s high energy never tapers off and you may even find it infectious, thrashing your body around not out of choice but necessity.


Chris Barnes’ distinct, visceral growl compliments the nature of his lyrics perfectly. Deep, demonic grunts seem best suited to relay sickening tales of murder and necrophilia. Whether you find the horror film imagery of the lyrics provocative or reprehensible, it’s undeniable that the subject matter leaves an impact. Facilitate a discussion under the Christmas tree between the maternal and paternal sides of the family: Does Barnes write lyrics as a sardonic observer of the world’s horrors or as a seriously tormented individual who longs to commit the heinous acts he depicts?

*farts*

The opening act was a hit. As part of a long-running Christmas tradition we’re all familiar with, a few girls in the audience presented the band members with balloons. The guitarist kept looking at me so I gave him the metal horns, which seemed to fill him with bashful joy.


“You Raise Me Up” is a ballad of the inspirational variety. You may have heard Josh Groban cover it, or possibly hundreds of other popular recording artists. But the only time it was really done right was at the Jilin Institute of Architecture and Civil Engineering’s Christmas Bonanza as hosted by the Department of Foreign Affairs and Cooperation. Two men with pipes like a plumbing system wailed their way through the inspirational ballad like no one has before. Earring Bro’s soft, angelic voice tempers the bold vibrato of Glasses Guy to soothing effect, as if bringing to life the song’s theme of giving a dear friend everlasting support.

I noticed Dola had not actually left the party and was staring at the door unenthusiastically. Feeling guilty for inviting her to this train wreck of an event, I invited her over to the VIP table and told her to have at my sunflower seeds, which I was having trouble enjoying due to my shell-cracking ineptitude. Dola then called up two of the girls in one of my other classes and said something like “yo, get up on this motherfucking sunflower seed shit,” and they came forthwith.

Left: Black Stallion
Black Stallion and several other students performed a short skit in English. It was supposed to be comedy but it played out as more of a tense melodrama. Unfortunately, I couldn’t understand much of the dialogue due to both pronunciation issues and the increasing volume of audience chatter. I think I still pieced it together.

Left-center: Black Stallion
Two men were lying on the ground, completely immobile. Black Stallion and two other onlookers acknowledged that this was a problem but seemed emotionally disconnected from whatever incident took place. A woman came running by, crying, arms flailing. She was yelling about her son, singular, so one of the two victims may not have had anybody in the world to care for his misfortune. She repeatedly threatened to kill Black Stallion but he managed to calm her down time and time again. This continued for several minutes without any further development until the actors left the stage.

Pictured: Black Stallion and a mysterious onlooker
The audience did not respond well to the skit. Most of them were probably novice English speakers at best and even then, the English spoken didn’t resemble English that much at all. Clearly embarrassed, the performers who put in a lot of time and effort to prepare left the stage. But Black Stallion would not leave in shame that night, for seconds after the skit ended he would be granted a shot at redemption. He took that shot all over Redemption’s slutty face.


Black Stallion hosted a mock version of a popular Chinese TV talent show. This skit was well-received by the audience, as it was in Chinese and thus understandable. I asked my students to give me rough translations of lines that got big laughs, which proved unnecessary as most of the gags were visual and they preferred narrating actions over translating words.

Return of the mysterious onlooker
Merry Christmas


When it came time for the foreigners to hit the stage, the audience chatter came to a halt. I felt bad because they thought their preconceived notions that foreigners are talented singers who love to perform were going to be fulfilled and they were about to get let down hard. Hard like the horse boner with which Black Stallion shot a load onto Redemption’s face.


I have never in my ENTIRE LIFE seen such a sickening performance of “Oh Hanukah.” I own seven recordings of the song: four in Yiddish, three in English. I’ve seen it performed live in ten countries and twelve US states. These two jerks were BY FAR the lousiest of the lot. They averted eye contact with the audience, instead looking at each other to confirm that they weren’t screwing up the words, WHICH THEY WERE. And the little one kept trying to put his hand in his pocket unsuccessfully. Very unprofessional.

The evening stagnated a bit. More pop music. More balloons. Some extraordinary dancers with ankhs painted on their heads. It picked right back up when this guy hit the stage:


When the party finally came to an end, Sophie made us white folk take pictures with just about everyone. Summer told us the department was going to take us out to a nice dinner. Andrew, Wayne and I got a ride with Allen. “Milkshake” was playing in his car when we got in, which is notably superior to every other song I’ve heard on Chinese radio. I called Magician as promised and told her what was happening. Apparently they were finishing up dinner and heading to KTV, so I figured I might be able to catch them there later.

The restaurant was in a hotel, which usually means it’s fancy business. A hostess led us to a private lounge area where a few well-dressed Chinese men were chain-smoking and drinking tea. One of those men was Arnold, the only member of the Department of Foreign Affairs and Cooperation who has my utmost respect.

Arnold technically answers to Sophie, but if she has a problem with something Arnold’s done, she won’t say shit. Arnold is the only member of the department who treats me like a person rather than a product. He also seems to realize what a joke the foreign teacher job is. When we were called in to have a meeting about teaching methods, which turned into Allen spewing permutations of the sentence “maybe you can teach in some American style, such as games,” multiple times, Arnold sat in the corner making phone calls and looking otherwise disinterested in the proceedings. When he had enough, he interrupted Sophie with a declarative “Okay?” We all laughed and the meeting was over. Thank you Arnold.

The dinner was pleasant. Toasts were made regularly, I believe in show of appreciation for our presence at the school. Wayne made one on behalf of us showing our appreciation in return. One of the Chinese guests delegated himself the task of filling up everyone’s glass with beer when needed. At one point, Sophie gagged dramatically and spat a piece of food onto her plate. She got up and power walked out of the room, accompanied by Allen.

During one of the toasts, someone shouted “bottoms up!” One of Arnold’s guys was intrigued and asked for an explanation. Allen began to explain the expression and in doing so, turned over a bottle, not quite empty, and spilled beer all over his soup bowl and place setting. He didn’t react to this. 

As we departed, Allen offered a ride to one of the other guys in addition to Wayne, Andrew and I. I noticed we were going a steady five miles per hour, gently swerving from side to side. I mentioned to Wayne and Andrew that I saw Allen spill beer and not seem to notice or care. As soon as I spoke, Allen remarked to his friend that he was too drunk and pulled over. We got out of the car and Allen apologized to us, explaining that he didn’t want to get arrested and lose his license. Andrew and I were only about a block away but Wayne had a walk ahead of him. As we departed the scene of the face loss, I looked back to see Allen make a pathetically slow u-turn, half-expecting to see the car suddenly erupt in flames as it rounded the apex of the maneuver.

I called Magician once more but received no answer. I later receieved a text message from her while in the middle of some screen-watching. Unfortunately, I neglected to add the contents to funnychinesetexts.odt so I can’t quote it directly but the gist was that another girl named Dream got drunk to the point that Magician had to take her home. Apparently my students went a little apeshit at KTV, which I regrettably missed out on.

I spent Christmas Day watching TNG until Andrew called and suggested we practice our set, which considering the previous night, was wise. We spent an hour or so doing that, then went to the school. We found our way to the room. Lo and behold, it was another “party.” The room itself was a lecture hall and once again, all the students were sitting. I recognized two teachers sitting in the third row, Peter and a guy named David who catches the bus at the same stop as us. David likes to make dichotomous comparisons between America and China of dubious validity such as “in China, [public] squares are named for their shape but in America, they are named for their purpose.” One thing I must admit, however, is that as far as I can tell, he’s right about public squares in China all being square-shaped.

The lecture hall was decorated with Christmas trees and lights. Santa hats rested on every seat, generous gifts for those who attended. I started to worry that this event might actually be completely faithful to the spirit of Christmas but I was assuaged of that fear as soon as the first act went on.


Green Day often receives praise as a band whose members cast aside conventional songwriting in favor of more daring, experimental pursuits. American Idiot was criticized by some as inaccessible and elitist, while others praised the band for their technical mastery, complex and challenging melodies and deconstructionist approach to genre. Bill Joe Armstrongs himself says of the album: “yeah we were just sitting around, kicking it, listening to some ancient Greek wedding hymns and I was like, we totally need to just get at the core of this stuff, you know, and play around with it. Maybe we were, haha, maybe we were, you know, smoking that green stuff, smoking some weed cigarettes and kicking the ball around you know? Haha, but yeah I said we need to really go back to the beginning and juxtapose those hymns with modern sounds, and we have to use a vibraphone, and I think it’s probably the album I’m most proud of to date.”

Most of the acts were musical performances. Some of the students performed an English translation of a Chinese drama. They made use of slapstick humor quite frequently, which seemed to keep those who couldn’t understand at bay. I checked the program frequently. One act in particular, entitled “Friends,” caught my eye. I knew for some time that Chinese people love the TV show Friends, but could it possibly be that I was going to witness a staged performance inspired by the sitcom?


Personally, I think it’s better than the actual show. Andrew and I did our set, marginally more successful than we had been the night prior. The finale was a grand Christmas chorus featuring all the performers except us.


Again, we were asked to take pictures with large groups of people. Peter offered us a ride home, along with David. On the way to the car David asked us questions about Christmas. First he asked Andrew how he celebrates and then me. I gave him my standard refrain. He suddenly got very excited. He told me I’m the first Jew he ever met. Instead of the normal stereotypes, it seemed that David was actually fascinated with Jewish history, the topic that ended up dominating the conversation during our car ride home. He told me his favorite movie is The Prince of Egypt, which I had to admit I didn’t see. He talked about King David and the prophets and a whole lot of stuff I never really expected to hear come out of a Chinese guy’s mouth. It made me wonder what other weird topics he knew about. I made a mental note to have more conversations with David.

Thoughts

I was under the impression when turning in my students’ final grades that I wasn’t allowed to fail any of them. That’s not entirely true. Failing them would have caused a lot more suffering for me than it would have for them. Instead of failing the small number of students who never came to my conversational classes, I gave them 60’s.

Any student who receives a grade below 60 is allowed to take a make-up exam. Someone from the school who I’ve probably never met before calls and informs me that I need to come in during my vacation time and administer the test. I turn in the revised grades. Any student who receives a grade lower than a 60 is allowed to take a make-up exam. Someone from the school who I’ve probably only spoken to once before calls and informs me that I need to come in during my vacation time and administer the test. I turn in the revised grades. Any student who receives a grade lower than a 60 is allowed to take a make-up exam.

I based conversational class grades solely on attendance and participation. I had each student talk to me about anything they wanted for five minutes as a formality so I could tell anyone who might give a shit, which no one did, that I actually held a final. Those unfortunates who skipped class regularly received 60s. Some of them knew what was coming and just kind of nodded complacently. They didn’t have a problem with a 60 and we both knew “see you after the break” was probably a lie. But for some, I felt like I was scolding kindergarteners as they shuffled their feet, apologizing half-heartedly, assuring me that they understood the err of their ways. One kid had the audacity to try to convince me that he had a math class at the same time. I shouldn’t even be calling him kid, he’s a fucking year younger than me.

Film class was different. I was planning on making a multiple-choice test that focused mostly on plots, vocabulary words like “satire” and “cameo,” the names of actors and quotes that I deemed significant. (Frankly, I find the very idea of a bug that thinks offensive!) Here’s a practice problem I presented my students with when they began fretting about the exam:

Kevin, the main character in Home Alone, had to protect his house from:

A) His parents.
B) His older brother.
C) Two burglars.
D) Himself.

Most of them got it. Some of them were probably too crippled by face and reserve to say anything but still knew the answer. Some of them, regrettably, probably had no idea. I thought about it and decided that I didn’t care whether or not they knew the answer to this question or any other such insignificant trivia factoids. So the test ended up looking like this:

Write down three thoughts that you have about movies. Each one has to be at least a sentence long. If you discuss the movies we watched in class you will get a better grade.
I would like to share some of my favorite responses with grammar, punctuation and spelling preserved in original form.
Note: They call horror movies “horrible” movies, but they mean horror. I’ve tried to put an end to this several times without success.
Home Alone
The boy, in movie of “Home Alone”, caputured two thieves who were adults that was radiculous in real world.
I like to think that instead of misspelling ridiculous, he was actually combining it with radical.
The child in Home Alone was cute but now became ugly. Terrible!
Terrible!
I like the boy in “Home Alone”. The boy is so clever and lovely. I hope I can have a son as lovely as him.
I guess you missed the first thirty minutes where he just acts like a spoiled little asshole.
I think Home Lonely is an interesting movie. It tells us a lot. Home Lonely tells us we should do our best to defeat bad person.
I think it tells use we should do our best not to neglect our children but whatever. Interesting x 1
The child in Home Alone is so interesting. I am so admire the wisdom of the child.
Interesting x 2
Home Alone is not only a funny movie, but also this movie has some significance.
Go on…

Meet the Parents

Meet parents is funny and interesting. It can be the best fiml film of Ben’s. LoL.
Heavy Weights was actually his best film. This student received a better grade for having the gall to write LoL on an English exam. Interesting x 3

Meet the Parents is also a comedy. One of the actors is Greg Focker.
One of the actors is Greg Focker.
I like “Meet the parents”. The father is very interesting. And the name of the hero is also very interesting. When I watched it, I couldn’t stop laughing.
Interesting x 4 Interesting x 5 Double Interesting
Then I also wanna talk about the actor of “Meet the parents”, He’s kind of funny, naive and fool. He is treated teased by Pam’s father and always at a loss as to what to say, even when he wants to make love with Pam, How embarrassed! The film reflects the things in life, but a little exaggerate.
Cradle 2 The Grave also reflects the things in life, but a little exaggerate. And I hear DMX doesn’t really know what to say when he wants to make love with women either. He just shouts X GON GIVE IT TO YA over and over again. I guess in that respect he knows exactly what to say.
In the film “Meet the Parents”, Robert De Niro who acts as the father of Greg’s girlfriend is possibly the most famous American actor of all time and is often in movies with Joe Pesci, such as Goodfellas.
Glad to see someone’s paying attention when I talk about the stuff that matters.
Meet the parents is also a very interesting movie, and the Hero’s name is very interesting. Now, When we will often use his name to make joke of others.
Interesting x 6 Interesting x 7
Meet Parents, no needless to say, it’s very amusing, and also makes us relax.
The best part is that you don’t even need a prescription.
The father in “Meet the Parents” is severe stern. The boy made so many efforts to let the father accept him. I hope my father will not be so strick to my boyfriend.
That boy done been strick by lightnin’.

Big

“Big.” is one of the most famous American actors of all time. Famous saying “Be careful what you wish for. I tl The movie is very interesting. I like it very much.
To clear up any confusion, his name is Tom Hanks. Interesting x 8
Big .is a film acted by Tom Hanks, The nicest guy in Hollywood. In It talk about a young boy who wish to be an adult, and he realise his dream at an amusement park. When he become an big guy. he miss his childhood. and he return to himself and live a happy life at last. There is a famous say that is be careful what you wish for the moral of “Big”.
Thanks for paying attention when I speak. This one is basically a better version of the previous comment.
Big describes a boy wants to become adult I enjoy it very much.
NO HE DIDN’T HE WANTED TO BE TALL HE BECAME AN ADULT BY MISTAKE.
Little Miss Sunshine

Little Miss Sunshine: Each member of the family has its their own charactristcs charaters. Though the little girl didn’t win in the end, she had shown herself to the others bravely.
Well put.
The Little Sunshine: To be honest, I don’t really understand the movie, I mean the subject of the movie. But I guess the movie wanna express a attitude toward the life. There’s no loser in the society, as long as we strive hard and be ourselves and do whatever we want within the legal range, it’s OK.
One of the most commonly used grammatical constructs in Chinese is “as long as… within the legal range.”
“Little Miss Sunshine”  .   I really love this film, I bet its beginning is different with others and I love this style. The grandpa in this film is a special character I bet, he likes to watch read blue magazines, he drugs, but and he fa teaches his granddaughter to dance like a hooker. The family seems so unharmony and actually it is not harmony, but for the little girl, the get together to drive to the contest place, it’s love’s strength.
Harmony is something of a buzzword here. The government likes to use words like harmony, cooperation and progress to describe everything.
Several episodes of South Park

I like cartoon, all kinds of cartoon. So I love “South Park” very much, even if some parts are disgusting. There is a character I forget his name. He is dead often He’s often dead for laughing. It’s too funny.
I got really happy every time someone made a positive comment about South Park.
I think the South Park is more suitable for Chinese adult. For it tells adult’s stories through children’s mouths. However, it’s wonderful in spite of the hero speaks too fast.
Fair enough.
South Park tells the truth that others do not. I appreciate it.
Hell yeah.
Independence Day

Independence Day is the end of the world as we know it. But there is a problem in it, only American deal with it not everywhere.
That R.E.M. song plays in the beginning of the movie. I told them it was significant. Then I went on a rant about movies that should involve people all over the world but just focus on Americans. Solid answer.
I really love the UFOs in the movie “Independence Day” , they’re really great inventions, if I can drive one some day, I must be very famous.
Infallible logic.
The Independence Day. It is a goo perfect film about the fight between the earth and other plane in the space. Human win the war and protected themselves. It was an new beginning. In this film, it also reflected the important of family.
Good just isn’t strong enough a word.
I like the movie “Independence Day” It is an American movie. It impressed me very much, The movie is directed by Roland Emmerich. The acters played very well in the movie. For example, Will Smith played the role of Captain Steven “Steve” Hiller. He is a very famous actor. and Bull Bill Pullman played the role of President. The people all over the American fight for peace, and they fight for victory, protecting them from the defence of eli alien people.
No bullshit, no fuss. Just the facts, plain and simple.
The movie Independence Day is an action movie or science fiction. I love the movie very much. Many actors attract my attention, such as Bill Pullman, Will Smith, Vivica A. Fox. And I remember Will Smith says, “Welcome to earth.” He’s cool, I’d like to say, Meanwhile, the words said by the president are meaning.
It’s pronounced Earf.
The president of Independence Day had ever made a moving speech before the fighting planes started crush the UFO.
There’s something about Bill Pullman that just makes people gravitate toward him! Haahhahaahaha!!!1
Independence Day is awesome. Welcome to earth! But I hope the alien will never come to earth. Our planet is too crowded.
It’s pronounced Earf. And it is indeed too crowded.
I like what Will Smith act in Independence Day. He is full of responsibility and he must be a qualified husband and father.
Spoken like a true Confucian.
I like the action movie     ,so I really like the Independence day      ,”Well Welcome to the earth.”
Stupid played out joke about vernacular pronunciation that I was tempted to repeat aside, I really want a shirt that says “Well Welcome to the earth.”
Starship Troopers

Starship Trooper may be the most “disgusting” movie I’ve watched. I dare not watch again even though I’ve watch for more than 4 times.
Four times? Guess what scrub, I’ve seen Starship Troopers at least twenty times. Flip three six hole! Cyrano! Go bug mom Cyrano! Zegema Beach! The enemy cannot push a button if you disable his hand! Welcome to the roughnecks. RICO’S ROUGHNECKS! It’s afraid… It’s afraid! Would you like to know more?
I like the movie which involves the action and romance such as Starship Troopers.
Cool. I like it a lot more than you. I have the special edition DVD and there are some awesome featurettes about how they created the bugs. When they talk about the brain bug, the guy who was in charge of the design tells a great story where he asked Paul Verhoeven what he was looking for and Paul Verhoeven, like a boss, says “Maybe it should look like an anus. Maybe it should look like a vagina. But I don’t know.” Oh, he knew. And from then on the crew affectionately referred to it as the “Poogina.”
Although Star Ship trooper is very exiting, some scenes of film are too disgusting, and I can’t bear it.
I can never pick a favorite scene. How do you compare Captain Deladier getting severed in half by a malfunctioning door on her recently destroyed vessel to Johnny Rico using his space football techniques to stabilize himself on the back of a tanker bug, cracking a hole through its shell with bullets and blowing it up with a grenade? The only logical conclusion is that they’re both God tier moments that provide the viewer with equal amounts of pleasure. And there are so many others like it.
The movie about space war is a little disgusting sometimes.
I love the role Denise Richards plays during the football game. Obviously we want to believe that she’s totally devoted to Johnny and it’s just in her nature to be flirtatious when she helps Zander up and makes small talk with him. Then when Johnny scores the winning touchdown and she bolts onto the field to embrace him, there’s a split-second of pure genius. She’s running toward Johnny with this beaming smile on her face and she hugs him, then looks at Zander, only for a second, still smiling, as if to silently say “fuck you bro,” then turns back to Johnny and they make out.
“Starship troopers” It’s cruel, but we beat it at last, human’s strength is hugh huge!
It’s a satire.
Miscellaneous
I still don’t think Brad Pitt is hot. I thought he has not done a good job in the movie The Curious of Benjamin Button.
I saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button in theaters because my mom made me see it with our family. There’s a part where an old lady is sitting in a rocking chair and it looks like she’s sleeping but everyone in the audience knows she’s dead. Brad Pitt asks her if she wants to go to the store and she doesn’t respond because she’s dead. I shouted out “guess not,” but to my dismay no one else thought it was a funny riff.
Movies can reflect many thoughts of people’s happiness, saddness, successful feeling, depression and so on.
Just like a mirror, or a pond.
I don’t like horrible movies, especially the sounds and the images of them.
I don’t like cantaloupe, especially the way it smells and tastes.
Movies are based on our real life, so through watching movies, people could understand many things which in the real life they can’t understand.
Some movies, like Kids in the Sandbox, BME Pain Olympics, and 27 Dresses, raise more questions than answers.
I wish we also can see see some horrible movies, I think the whole class get together to see horrible movie must be very funny and interesting and exciting.
Interesting x 9
I have seen Lost for aabout a year    ,   until now I still feel a little confused. I’m wondering if I will continue.
It’s purgatory.
Adventure is the common human personality. And many movie producers makes full use of thist this point to produce nice and classic works.
Nice? Interesting x 10
I like American movies very much, especially the American funny movie which the romantic story happened in the campus between the handsome guy and a pretty lady.
I’m also a pretty big fan of “Coeds Need Cash.”

The responses above were taken from the tests of students who received average grades. Their tests usually had one or two completely thoughtless and unprovocative statements accompanied by one or two amusing or somewhat insightful statements. A few students did very well. A few students would have done better if they hadn’t written anything at all. Either way, their exams are worth reading in their entirety.
Hat Tricks

1. “Home Alone” is very interesting. I’ve seen the impressive movie in my Junior Middle School. The little boy’s performance is excellent. It seems that in the western countries there are many children who are famous in the movie industry, but in China, there’re not.
2. “Little Miss Sunshine” is very unique. Grandfather is so funny that he teaches his granddaughter to dance like that. What is most moving is their relationships in family. I think parents are the most important part in my life.
3. “South Park” is a wonderful TV series because I’ve not seen such ironic TV in China. Usually, these kind of movies are forbidden to broadcast here. I think it is good for the movie maker to make some movies that can reflect the reality, that’s striking and impressive.
Home Alone is the most interesting story film that I have ever seen.
I hope this class can be more interesting.
I’d like to see more films that reflect the daily life of American.
1. The blizzard that hit Southern part is really large
2. Love never means ya you are sorry
3. You are such a disease
1. Films produced by Hollywood are excellent and attractive.
2. I don’t approve people go to cinemas to watch film foreign movies to give our money to a aliens.
3. In recent years, Indian movies are developing faster and faster, many of them are very good.
I like the romatic movie very much.         Titanic
I like the action-comedy movie like Mr and Mrs Smith
I like the Independence Day   , the human beings unite together
1. I’m sorry that I can’t remember the English names of the movies we saw, but I do remember the Chinese names. For instance, the first film we saw is called 《小鬼当家》,the Little boy in it is so cute and smart. And it can be defined as a comedy, because the tricks and strategies in it are so funny.
2. (We watched Beverly Hills Cop but I told the students they didn’t have to worry about it since I never officially talked about it) The film we saw last time is quite funny, too. The hero, the intelligent policeman is a perfect policeman in my mind. Different with other police guys, he is not so odd. I do hope that the policemen in our real life can be that kind.
3. The films about the strange creatures or I can call them monsters are really horrible. In my opinion, It’s more like a scary movies. But I really like it, because it draws my attention and the soilders are so brave that every girl will fall in love with them.
To sum up, among all kinds of films, except for documentaries, I like all of them. But absolutely, besides the boring ones.
Little miss Sunshine: “Am I pretty?”
Starship Troopers: we beat it
meet the parents: Are you “Fucker”?
                           where is my cat?
1. Movie can teach me a lot. When I sad or happy I can stay with movie and it will help me to get happiness.
2. Such as “Prison Break”, in some aspects, it was my support in my life, because in that period I was wandering and boring, and this that movie helps me found my goal.
3. Movie is the most amazing thing I have ever met. It is my best friend in my spare time.
1. I like “Starship Troopers” very much. It told us that united can win the war.
2. “Starship Troopers” showed advanced technology.
3. “Starship Troopers” is a movie that show us the power of military is very important.
1. I like the action movies, expecially acted by Julie
2. I also like some movies about vampires, and sometimes, I really w dream of changing to a vampire.
3. When I feel boring, or sad, I’ll see some funny movies, when I see that, I’ll laugh happily, then I’ll have a good day.
1. “Little Ms Sunshine”  Am I pretty?
2. “Home Alone”  Take care of yourself
3. “Give Olive a Hug”  Give Olive a hug!
“Meeting Parents”
1. This is one of the funniest movie I’ve ever watched. It is about a man-nurse Mr. Forker went to meet his girlfriend’s parents. And there are something fun were happened.
2. It is clearly seemed that his girlfriend’s father didn’t like him. Father liked his daughter’s former boyfriend. So Mr. Forker did so many things to make her parents like him.
3. The scene of this movie which I like is that, one day her parents lost his cat, its his love cat, so Mr. Forker decided to look for his cat, but he had no idea, so finally he got another cat and spay on its tail.
1. The movie “Starship Troopers is one of my favorite movies.
2. We boys got very excited about South Park.
3. Movies bring us a lot. Sometimes We get much more than leisure. Sometimes we laugh with tears. Even, we feel ourselves are the actors. We can In a whole we get a lot from movies.
1. Action movie
2. Comedy movie
3. Tra Disaster movie
After “Action movie Comedy movie Disaster movie,” there’s really nothing more to be said. I am going to try to update again as soon as possible. Next time more than half of the content will actually be written by me. The post is going to be about Christmas and Christmas looks like this:

Allen

There are four foreign teachers at the Jilin Institute of Architecture and Civil Engineering including myself. There are also four members of the Foreign Affairs and Cooperation department. This is the office I’m supposed to go to if I require assistance with any problems. Anything from legal documents to Jesus shit on my walls. One member has been marginally helpful to me, putting forth the least amount of effort required to make sure I don’t get deported. The name of that member is not Allen. Allen is pictured below.

Allen

Allen was the first person I met in Changchun, along with a student named Black Stallion, at Changchun Airport. Allen’s face looks like a pancake. During the ride to our apartments, Allen repeatedly informed Andrew and me that we would not be paid the amount stipulated in our contract for the first month. He also told us that the internet connection we were promised in our contract wasn’t working because the bill wasn’t paid yet and wouldn’t be until the real manager of the foreign teachers who he was filling in for returned from Australia. And that sweemeeng is a favorite hobby of his. I didn’t really care for Allen at this juncture.

When we arrived at my apartment Allen showed me around and flaunted his English skills by using his index finger and words like “kitchen,” “toilet,” “bed,” and “TV.” If the tour lasted two minutes, I wouldn’t have minded. Unfortunately Allen kept it going for ten minutes, naming every object in my apartment and, when his vocabulary would permit, describing the basic functions of the objects. He giggled when I expressed disapproval of the bible passages on the walls and when I lifted up the blanket on my bed to reveal a damp towel. Before leaving he told me we would have a meeting the next day at noon. He later cancelled that meeting because picking us up from the airport had driven him to exhaustion and he would rather spend the day napping or remaining otherwise motionless instead.

Allen struggles with the concept of scheduling. If he tells me on a Tuesday that we will meet Wednesday at 8 in the morning, I can expect to be woken up by a phone call from Allen at least an hour earlier instructing me to come downstairs because he’s waiting in his car. Sometimes I don’t get an advanced notice but merely a call that goes “Hello Paul? Are you beesy?” He had a knack for calling at times when the chance that I’d be beesy were slim to none, such as 7 in the morning.

Allen kept bringing up a visit we would have to make to the playstation. I eventually figured out that he was trying to say police station and the visit was a mandatory registration for foreigners who planned on not getting kicked out of the country. Although he was supposed to help us do this within 48 hours of our arrival, Allen put it off for about a week and a half. He called one day and told me he was waiting for me at the playstation. I explained that I had no idea how to get there as I’d only been in the city for a week. Allen told me to hail a cab and give the driver the phone, then he would direct the driver to the police station. Thankfully he only pulled that shit the one time. He asked if I had any photos of myself. I replied that I did not. He said “that’s okay” and hung up. When I got to the police station I met Allen, Black Stallion and my landlord, a woman named Betty. Allen asked me to present my photos. I told him I wasn’t lying when I said I didn’t have any. Allen didn’t express the surprise one would expect to come from such a miscommunication, which led me to believe that he understood perfectly well when I told him the first time. He said “that’s okay” again. We got into his car and left. I thought we were going home but we made another stop at a combination hair salon/image editing studio.

It’s popular in China for people to have photos of themselves “professionally” photoshopped. Naturally, some hair stylists figured out that by offering their clients the option to look like they’ve been dipped in a vat of hot wax right after their haircut they could pull a slightly nicer income. The photoshop department of this particular hair salon was on the second floor, consisting of two computers from the mid-90s and a bored chain-smoking Chinese man with anime hair. Allen asked me to download some digital photos of myself. I didn’t think he’d respond well to a lecture about oppressive firewalls and suppression of information so instead of delivering one I tried to access facebook and feigned surprise when it didn’t work. Allen said that perhaps he had some. He checked his e-mail and clicked on an old message sent from Journey East, the company I got my job through, and opened an attached file that contained a dozen headshots I sent to them months ago, presumably so they could pass them on to Allen so that when the time came for him to help me register with the police, he’d have the pictures he needed. Then he asked me for 10 yuan to pay for the printing. He told me he would pay me back, which he has not yet done to this day.

Instead of driving back to the police station, Allen took me home. I asked why we weren’t going back to the police station. Allen said we couldn’t register that day because the man who processes the foreigner registration papers wasn’t there.

“So when you asked me to take out my pictures while we were there, we wouldn’t have been able to use them anyway?” I asked.

“Yeah.” replied Allen.

Also of note, he had Black Stallion and Betty both put aside any plans they had for the day so they could join us on this expedition that was ultimately doomed to end in a studio of Chinese yuppie glamor shots. Black Stallion would accompany Allen and I on several other trips for the sole purpose of holding Allen’s wallet and pulling out huge wads of cash when instructed. A few days after our arrival Andrew complained to Journey East about the apartment he was originally located in, an hour drive away from the school and unfit for human occupancy. In fact, we were specifically told that if one of us was placed in that area, there was a problem and they needed to be contacted. Allen’s job was threatened and he had Black Stallion run around my apartment complex looking for a vacant place they could rent for Andrew.

During the first week of school Allen would often call me into his office for “meetings.” I’d arrive and Allen would be sitting at his desk, staring at his computer, his boss Arnold doing the same on the other side of the room. Allen would then ask me to take a seat on the couch, which has a clear view of his computer monitor. I’d watch him dick around on QQ (the Chinese equivalent of AIM or MSN) for about ten minutes or so before mentioning to him that I was hoping to do anything else at some point in the day. He’d offer me tea, cigarettes or whatever other consumables he might have to try to keep my mind off of the fact that I was in the office for a meeting that he called me there for and instead of having that meeting, he was being a lazy, inconsiderate, worthless dickhead. Eventually, whether Allen actually got around to having me fill out some paperwork or not, Arnold would get up and walk out of the office without saying a word. Seconds later Allen would tell me that “I must eat lunch now because my superior wants to You can go home, we do this other time.” Arnold has never said more than ten words to me but I like him a lot more than Allen.

The first of these meetings was the first day of school, a Monday. I arrived at Allen’s office with Andrew at 8, when the first class of the day starts. After the introductory couch and concessions buffer, Allen printed out a schedule and began going over it with me. He pointed to my first class. A class at 8 AM on Mondays. I asked if I was expected to attend this class today. He thought for a second, then said I was. I mentioned that it was 8:15. He said “yes, I show you.” So then, without any preparation whatsoever, I arrived twenty minutes late to my first class. I asked Allen if I could see my schedule. He pulled it out and stared at it. I extended my hand but he didn’t give it to me. I asked again but Allen didn’t respond. I moved my hand a little closer but Allen pulled the schedule away. I asked again if I could see my schedule and he finally handed it to me. Allen would do the same exact thing during later encounters whenever he was holding something of mine, such as my passport and contract. When I looked at the schedule, I noticed the characters “影视,” meaning “film and television.” I asked Allen if I was expected to show a movie.

“Do you have movie?” he responded.

“No. No one told me I would be teaching a film class. No one told me I would be teaching anything today.”

“That’s okay. You bring movie to next class.”

Then he left. I returned to his office after an uninspired icebreaker class and lunch with some of my students who were so enthralled by the presence of a foreigner that they insisted on buying me food. Only one of the four students has attended my class more than once since and that one student has yet to stay awake for or otherwise contribute anything of worth to the class discussions but that’s unrelated. I returned to Allen’s office to see Andrew sitting in the exact same spot on the couch as when I left. He whispered to me about how he’d been there the whole time and Allen was just dicking around on QQ and giving him tea. Then the meeting was over because he didn’t have Andrew’s textbook.

The last of these meetings happened on a day when I had no class and was woken up by an unexpected Allen call. He asked me to come in so I could sign my contract. A red flag immediately went up in my head because I had signed a contract with Journey East and then received a contract from them by e-mail that I was told was my official contract with the school. I figured it couldn’t hurt as long as nothing had changed between contracts so I grabbed the copy I printed out in case something like this happened and went off to meet Allen.

He made me wait on the couch. After several minutes, I reminded him that I was there. He grabbed two small booklets and sat down next to me. He repeated what he said on the phone about it being the official contract and that I should sign. He also suggested I sign Andrew’s copy. I pulled out my copy of the contract and told him I was just going to compare them to make sure it was all the same and as far as signing Andrew’s, I wouldn’t do that without his permission. Allen said “okay.”

I began reading my contract. For five seconds or so, it seemed like Allen understood me when I said I was going to compare the contracts. But then I caught him jolt out of the corner of my eye, like something clicked in his head. He started laughing and waving his hands in front of me saying “oh no no, it’s okay you don’t have to read can just sign. Same contract.” I said I understood but wanted to read it just in case. He wouldn’t shut the fuck up.

“Hahahaha, no it’s same contract you see? We are very honest department you can trust us hahahahaha. You can sign it, it’s official government contract.”

He pointed to the cover to indicate that the contract was a generic form regulated by the government that doesn’t vary from school to school. I tried to explain that I wasn’t reading it because I assumed he was trying to cheat me, although I did think he was, but that in America we like to read contracts we are going to sign. I called it a tradition. He said “Ah, tradition. I know tradition.” He continued to laugh nervously and repeat the same phrases about honesty and the government until he got the point that I was going to sit there and read the whole thing. He didn’t leave my side once while I was reading. He tried one more time to convince me to stop reading when I was almost at the end. And after all the fuss he made, the contracts were just about identical. The only difference was some of the wording.

I think the reason Allen got so nervous and defensive was because of face. Some people might say that face is a concept like prestige or honor, deeply rooted in Chinese culture, a longstanding tradition and impossible to translate. As far as I can tell face is people getting away with lying, avoiding accountability for mistakes and wrongdoings and a superficial image a person wants others to accept. The very fact that I wanted to read my contract made Allen feel uncomfortable because it indicated to him that I don’t trust him enough to sign anything he asks me to without checking it first. The fact that he’s tried to screw us over in other ways probably made him feel even more uncomfortable.

I signed my contract and then Allen handed me Andrew’s. I told him I would call Andrew and ask if it was okay. I could see Allen struggling to remain silent. I told Andrew about the contract and how they were both the same but he said he wanted to read it himself to be completely satisfied. I relayed the message to Allen who, instead of continuing with his giggling and nagging, sighed and said okay like a spoiled middle schooler asked to make his bed. Before stowing away the contracts in his desk drawer, he tried one more time to get me to sign Andrew’s. He turned around and confided in me.

“It’s okay, you can sign this one look.” He paused and opened Andrew’s to a page where a signature was clearly scribbled out. “I already sign it to send to government for foreign expert. I do to yours too. It’s okay, I already sign it.”

I don’t know why Allen was so worried about me causing him to lose face when he does a pretty damn good job of losing it himself. He never ended up calling Andrew to have him sign the contract either.

Take 2, Allen wasn’t satisfied with Take 1. Look at his hands

I took this picture of Allen on the school bus. I was the first to board that evening and he was the second. We were waiting to be taken home. Allen doesn’t normally ride the bus. Something was wrong that day. I feared he was trying to find me for some reason. Fortunately that wasn’t the case. Take a look at that picture. Take a look at that fucking pancake face. That’s the pancake face of the man that has been the cause of almost every problem I’ve encountered since arriving in China. And his face does look like a pancake if you stare long enough. It’s one of those things where you relax your eyes and look for the picture hidden in the blurry stuff.

Left, Commander William T. Riker looking how I felt when I first saw Allen board the bus. Right,  an Ornaran looking how I felt after conversing with Allen for over sixty seconds

Allen had been in a car accident. I asked if his car was badly damaged and how long he thought he might be riding the bus. He, having poor English listening comprehension skills and falsely assuming I expressed concern for his well-being, responded that neither he nor the other car’s occupants were injured. I said I was glad to hear that and repeated my question. He frowned a bit as he nodded his head. The car was not doing too well. How’d the accident happen? Allen explained that “the traffic light was red but I didn’t see” and just sort of drove through.

Allen asked me what bus stop I get off at. I said Lin He Jie, the street I live on. He insisted that there was a better bus stop that he would “introduce” me to. He asked what I like to eat. I started listing some stuff. He asked if I like chicken. I said yes. He told me he would “introduce” me to the best chicken restaurant in Changchun several times for the next minute. By this, I don’t mean he droned on describing the restaurant or anything. I mean he repeated the sentence “I introduce to you a new restaurant with best chicken,” varied slightly each time, for about a minute. Andrew got on the bus and made his way toward us. I noticed despair in his eyes when he saw Allen. Allen told Andrew we’d been talking about a superior bus stop and a great chicken restaurant that he would introduce us to. I asked Andrew how his classes were that day.

Allen stared ahead as Andrew began describing how difficult his freshmen have been. After about a minute Allen interrupted him.

“Yeah, they put the chicken in the pot with some vegetable.”

He continued to explain how the pot sat on an open flame to let the chicken and vegetables cook as the bus pulled away. Aside from that, he didn’t have much to say for the rest of the ride. He told us to get off the bus when we reached the stop around the corner from the one we usually get off at. It took us longer to walk back. When we got to a nondescript intersection that I can’t remember, Allen pointed into the distance and said “the restaurant is that way.” Then he left.

Luckily Allen has not played a very large role in my life as of late. When I have to deal with the Department of Foreign Affairs and Cooperation I generally speak with Summer, a woman who is slightly more pleasant than Allen. A toast of “Fuck Allen” will generally be made at some point during a night of drinking. One night Nick, Andrew and I decided the toast should be followed by subsequent toasts made to how we would kill Allen that involves him cheating us in some way.

Allen calls me and says something like “Hello Paul? Are you beesy? I have you money you come to my house and pick up.” I arrive at his home and ask for my salary. He says “Oh yeah I leave it at office I go to get it now. Look, I get new sweemeeng pool. Maybe you feel it up while I get you the money I pay you one hundred yuan more.” After Allen leaves I go around clearing out every nearby store of their ammonia products. I fill up his pool with the ammonia and rinse out a bucket so it looks like I’ve been using it to make trips from the sink to the pool. Allen pays me, neglecting the 100 yuan he promised for filling the pool. I tell him it’s no problem, I was glad I could help. Over the course of the next two years he, his wife and child soak in the ammonia whenever they wade in its poisonous waters. Allen never drains the pool because it takes too much work. And no one ever accuses anyone because then people would start losing face. But this is all just hypothetical and I would never do such a thing. I’d just bitch about it on the internet instead. Fuck Allen.

Protein

While waiting for the school bus a few days ago, a Chinese man in a suit introduced himself to me as “Happy, like happy to meet you!” Happy is an English teacher at another school. During our conversation he asked, “have you adapted to the food in China yet?” When I first got here I took about five dumps a day, all of them horrible and messy. After three weeks or so, they regained a firm consistency and occurred at intervals not quite so unsettling. I told him I had adapted. He told me he thinks Chinese food is too greasy, which is the closest thing I’ve heard to a Chinese person badmouthing something Chinese.

It’s hard to find good sources of protein here. Save for a few places in the downtown area, most restaurants won’t have a chicken cutlet or piece of steak on the menu. Meat dishes are generally huge bowls of vegetables with some minced pork or beef sprinkled on top. I rarely stay full after eating at a restaurant for more than an hour or two.

Chinese people eat a lot of carbohydrates. Rice and noodles aplenty. The only satisfactory explanation for how they live off of this is that they’re humanoids evolved from plants and derive all nutrition from sugar. I’ve tried to ask people about protein in both Chinese and English but they never have any idea what I’m talking about. They understand that I’m talking about nutrition and recommend drinks that are marketed as nutritious but contain more sugar than vitamins and protein. Good for a plant person maybe.

Since I managed to clean out the atrocity Sean left in my fridge, I keep my kitchen stocked with jars of peanut butter, eggs and boneless, skinless chicken breasts. I get my fucking protein. 

Recently, I had my first experience at an all-you-can-eat buffet in China. The place was expensive. For Nick, Andrew and I, it cost about 115 yuan in total. As one of the hostesses led us to our table, I noticed the restaurant was train-themed. The layout was a confusing mess of fake train platforms and staircases. The waitresses (although they don’t actually do any waiting since it’s a buffet) wore conductor’s uniforms. The seating areas looked like train cars. They looked just like train cars. The chairs were like chairs on a train. There were even fake windows and curtains. It was just like a train. It was just like a real life train.

The hostess led us up about three flights of stairs to our table and hit on Andrew for a bit before leaving. She mentioned that she graduated from the school that we teach at, which was possibly a lie, then left. Throughout our meal she would repeatedly pass by our table with another waitress and once commented, with disbelief, on the fact that we were still eating more food.

Most of the food was prepared hours before we arrived, sitting out on unheated trays and getting cold. Despite this, I enjoyed almost everything I tried and ate about three full plates. The food you really come to a place like this for, though, is an endless supply of raw meat that you fry in the middle of your table. I don’t remember how many of those fatty meat strips I had but what I do remember quite vividly is already being very full by the time we started eating them. Because they were sliced so thinly, however, it didn’t feel like I was eating too far over capacity. It was probably as we continued to polish off tray after tray, making sure not to leave a single piece behind to avoid a wastefulness fee, that Andrew’s admirer made her comment about us still eating being a weird thing.

When we got up to leave, I immediately regretted the amount of food that I ate. My stomach felt like a mass completely separate from the rest of my body. Andrew mentioned that he was also in a moderate amount of pain. We began our descent and my stomach was feeling increasingly awful. I felt like a bad thing might happen in the near future. I hoped I could prolong the inevitable spew that was to come until we made it outside. I kept my head down and without any real logical justification, placed my hand in front of my mouth.

At the bottom of the staircase, between us and the door, the entire wait staff of the restaurant lined up on both sides of our path. They waved and said “bye bye!” as we passed. Right as this was happening, a preliminary wave of vomit rushed up but I managed to contain it in my mouth. When the second came a few seconds later, there was really nothing I could do. The vomit spilled out over my hand and onto the floor as I passed by the employees. I didn’t look up to see but I’m certain they were all aware of what was happening. I kept a normal walking pace to the door, hoping that maybe if I didn’t act too alarmed, they wouldn’t look for anything out of the ordinary. But, of course, there’s no real way to walk by two walls of people and vomit without drawing some attention.

Once out the door, I jogged to the side of the restaurant and finished up. Unwittingly, I did this directly in front of a side entrance for the staff. A man came out of the door, looked down at the pile and then stood in front of it. I think he was assigned the duty of blocking the mess from view of the public.

A lot of Chinese people often bestow upon foreigners undue praise, which comes off as patronizing more than anything. I’ve gotten sick of it. When people compliment me on my Chinese before I’ve spoken any, I don’t really take it to heart. I didn’t get to see the looks on the employees’ faces after I began to throw up but I fantasize about it every day. Sometimes I do this during small talk with strangers. While the person in front of me is paying me some manner of empty compliment, I think about those poor waiters and waitresses who looked on, probably mortified, as one of their foreign customers who they were ogling at with curiosity just an hour earlier, was spewing uncontrollably while calmly walking out the door. I like to think that they all now hold the belief that Americans do not have that all-important instinct to stop eating when it’s time to stop eating. If I were to run into one of them on the street, I suspect they wouldn’t compliment my Chinese, which is how it should be.

The only downside of the night was that in vomiting, I lost all my fucking protein.